Act 5

Scene III

The library in Joseph Surface’s house.

	Enter Joseph Surface* and Lady Sneerwell.*
Lady Sneerwell	Impossible! Will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to Charles, and of course no longer oppose his union with Maria? The thought is distraction to me.
Joseph Surface	Can passion furnish a remedy?
Lady Sneerwell	No, nor cunning either. Oh, I was a fool, an idiot, to league with such a blunderer!
Joseph Surface	Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I am the greatest sufferer; yet you see I bear the accident with calmness.
Lady Sneerwell	Because the disappointment doesn’t reach your heart; your interest only attached you to Maria. Had you felt for her what I have for that ungrateful libertine, neither your temper nor hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your vexation.
Joseph Surface	But why should your reproaches fall on me for this disappointment?
Lady Sneerwell	Are you not the cause of it? Had you not a sufficient field for your roguery in imposing upon Sir Peter, and supplanting your brother, but you must endeavour to seduce his wife? I hate such an avarice of crimes; ’tis an unfair monopoly, and never prospers.
Joseph Surface	Well, I admit I have been to blame. I confess I deviated from the direct road of wrong, but I don’t think we’re so totally defeated neither.
Lady Sneerwell	No!
Joseph Surface	You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met, and that you still believe him faithful to us?
Lady Sneerwell	I do believe so.
Joseph Surface	And that he has undertaken, should it be necessary, to swear and prove that Charles is at this time contracted by vows and honour to your ladyship, which some of his former letters to you will serve to support?
Lady Sneerwell	This, indeed, might have assisted.
Joseph Surface	Come, come; it is not too late yet.⁠—Knocking at the door. But hark! this is probably my uncle, Sir Oliver: retire to that room; we’ll consult farther when he is gone.
Lady Sneerwell	Well, but if he should find you out, too?
Joseph Surface	Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own credit’s sake⁠—and you may depend on it I shall soon discover Sir Oliver’s weak side!
Lady Sneerwell	I have no diffidence of your abilities: only be constant to one roguery at a time.
Joseph Surface	I will, I will!⁠—
	Exit Lady Sneerwell.
	So! ’tis confounded hard, after such bad fortune, to be baited by one’s confederate in evil. Well, at all events, my character is so much better than Charles’s, that I certainly⁠—hey!⁠—what⁠—this is not Sir Oliver, but old Stanley again. Plague on’t that he should return to tease me just now! I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him here⁠—
	Enter Sir Oliver Surface.
	Gad’s life, Mr. Stanley, why have you come back to plague me at this time? You must not stay now, upon my word.
Sir Oliver	Sir, I hear your uncle Oliver is expected here, and though he has been so penurious to you, I’ll try what he’ll do for me.
Joseph Surface	Sir, ’tis impossible for you to stay now, so I must beg⁠—come any other time, and I promise you you shall be assisted.
Sir Oliver	No: Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted.
Joseph Surface	Zounds, sir! then I insist on your quitting the room directly.
Sir Oliver	Nay, sir⁠—
Joseph Surface	Sir, I insist on’t!⁠—Here, William! show this gentleman out. Since you compel me, sir, not one moment⁠—this is such insolence. Going to push him out.
	Enter Charles Surface.
Charles Surface	Heyday! what’s the matter now? What the devil, have you got hold of my little broker here? Zounds, brother, don’t hurt little Premium. What’s the matter, my little fellow?
Joseph Surface	So! he has been with you too, has he?
Charles Surface	To be sure, he has. Why, he’s as honest a little⁠—But sure, Joseph, you have not been borrowing money too, have you?
Joseph Surface	Borrowing! no! But, brother, you know we expect Sir Oliver here every⁠—
Charles Surface	O Gad, that’s true! Noll mustn’t find the little broker here, to be sure.
Joseph Surface	Yet Mr. Stanley insists⁠—
Charles Surface	Stanley! why his name’s Premium.
Joseph Surface	No, sir, Stanley.
Charles Surface	No, no, Premium.
Joseph Surface	Well, no matter which⁠—but⁠—
Charles Surface	Ay, ay, Stanley or Premium, ’tis the same thing, as you say; for I suppose he goes by half a hundred names, besides A. B. at the coffeehouse. Knocking.
Joseph Surface	’Sdeath! here’s Sir Oliver at the door.⁠—⁠Now I beg, Mr. Stanley⁠—
Charles Surface	Ay, ay, and I beg Mr. Premium⁠—
Sir Oliver	Gentlemen⁠—
Joseph Surface	Sir, by Heaven you shall go!
Charles Surface	Ay, out with him, certainly!
Sir Oliver	This violence⁠—
Joseph Surface	Sir, ’tis your own fault.
Charles Surface	Out with him, to be sure. Both forcing Sir Oliver* out.*
	Enter Sir Peter* and Lady Teazle, Maria, and Rowley.*
Sir Peter	My old friend, Sir Oliver⁠—hey! What in the name of wonder⁠—here are dutiful nephews⁠—assault their uncle at a first visit!
Lady Teazle	Indeed, Sir Oliver, ’twas well we came in to rescue you.
Rowley	Truly it was; for I perceive, Sir Oliver, the character of old Stanley was no protection to you.
Sir Oliver	Nor of Premium either: the necessities of the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent gentleman; and with the other I stood a chance of faring worse than my ancestors, and being knocked down without being bid for.
Joseph Surface	Charles!
Charles Surface	Joseph!
Joseph Surface	’Tis now complete!
Charles Surface	Very.
Sir Oliver	Sir Peter, my friend, and Rowley too⁠—look on that elder nephew of mine. You know what he has already received from my bounty; and you also know how gladly I would have regarded half my fortune as held in trust for him: judge then my disappointment in discovering him to be destitute of truth, charity, and gratitude!
Sir Peter	Sir Oliver, I should be more surprised at this declaration, if I had not myself found him to be mean, treacherous, and hypocritical.
Lady Teazle	And if the gentleman pleads not guilty to these, pray let him call me to his character.
Sir Peter	Then, I believe, we need add no more: if he knows himself, he will consider it as the most perfect punishment that he is known to the world.
Charles Surface	If they talk this way to Honesty, what will they say to me, by and by? Aside.
	Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, and Maria retire.
Sir Oliver	As for that prodigal, his brother there⁠—
Charles Surface	Ay, now comes my turn: the damned family pictures will ruin me! Aside.
Joseph Surface	Sir Oliver⁠—uncle, will you honour me with a hearing?
Charles Surface	Now, if Joseph would make one of his long speeches, I might recollect myself a little. Aside.
Sir Oliver	I suppose you would undertake to justify yourself entirely? To Joseph Surface.
Joseph Surface	I trust I could.
Sir Oliver	To Charles Surface. Well, sir!⁠—and you could justify yourself too, I suppose?
Charles Surface	Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver	What! Little Premium has been let too much into the secret, I suppose?
Charles Surface	True, sir; but they were family secrets, and should not be mentioned again, you know.
Rowley	Come, Sir Oliver, I know you cannot speak of Charles’s follies with anger.
Sir Oliver	Odds heart, no more I can; nor with gravity either.⁠—⁠Sir Peter, do you know the rogue bargained with me for all his ancestors; sold me judges and generals by the foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as broken china.
Charles Surface	To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the family canvas, that’s the truth on’t. My ancestors may rise in judgment against me, there’s no denying it; but believe me sincere when I tell you⁠—and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not⁠—that if I do not appear mortified at the exposure of my follies, it is because I feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal benefactor.
Sir Oliver	Charles, I believe you. Give me your hand again: the ill-looking little fellow over the settee has made your peace.
Charles Surface	Then, sir, my gratitude to the original is still increased.
Lady Teazle	Advancing. Yet, I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to. Pointing to Maria.
Sir Oliver	Oh, I have heard of his attachment there; and, with the young lady’s pardon, if I construe right⁠—that blush
Sir Peter	Well, child, speak your sentiments!
Maria	Sir, I have little to say, but that I shall rejoice to hear that he is happy; for me⁠—whatever claim I had to his affection, I willingly resign to one who has a better title.
Charles Surface	How, Maria!
Sir Peter	Heyday! what’s the mystery now?⁠—While he appeared an incorrigible rake, you would give your hand to no one else; and now that he is likely to reform I’ll warrant you won’t have him!
Maria	His own heart and Lady Sneerwell know the cause.
Charles Surface	Lady Sneerwell!
Joseph Surface	Brother, it is with great concern I am obliged to speak on this point, but my regard to justice compels me, and Lady Sneerwell’s injuries can no longer be concealed. Opens the door.
	Enter Lady Sneerwell.
Sir Peter	So! another French milliner! Egad, he has one in every room in the house, I suppose!
Lady Sneerwell	Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised, and feel for the indelicate situation your perfidy has forced me into.
Charles Surface	Pray, uncle, is this another plot of yours? For, as I have life, I don’t understand it.
Joseph Surface	I believe, sir, there is but the evidence of one person more necessary to make it extremely clear.
Sir Peter	And that person, I imagine, is Mr. Snake.⁠—⁠Rowley, you were perfectly right to bring him with us, and pray let him appear.
Rowley	Walk in, Mr. Snake.
	Enter Snake.
	I thought his testimony might be wanted: however, it happens unluckily, that he comes to confront Lady Sneerwell, not to support her.
Lady Sneerwell	A villain! Treacherous to me at last! Speak, fellow, have you, too, conspired against me?
Snake	I beg your ladyship ten thousand pardons: you paid me extremely liberally for the lie in question; but I unfortunately have been offered double to speak the truth.
Sir Peter	Plot and counterplot, egad! I wish your ladyship joy of your negotiation.
Lady Sneerwell	The torments of shame and disappointment on you all! Going.
Lady Teazle	Hold, Lady Sneerwell⁠—before you go, let me thank you for the trouble you and that gentleman have taken, in writing letters from me to Charles, and answering them yourself; and let me also request you to make my respects to the scandalous college of which you are president, and inform them that Lady Teazle, licentiate, begs leave to return the diploma they granted her, as she leaves off practice, and kills characters no longer.
Lady Sneerwell	You, too, madam!⁠—provoking⁠—insolent! May your husband live these fifty years!
	Exit.
Sir Peter	Oons! what a fury!
Lady Teazle	A malicious creature, indeed!
Sir Peter	Hey! not for her last wish?
Lady Teazle	Oh, no!
Sir Oliver	Well, sir, and what have you to say now?
Joseph Surface	Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner, to impose on us all, that I know not what to say: however, lest her revengeful spirit should prompt her to injure my brother, I had certainly better follow her directly. For the man who attempts to⁠—
	Exit.
Sir Peter	Moral to the last drop!
Sir Oliver	Ay, and marry her, Joseph, if you can. Oil and Vinegar!⁠—egad, you’ll do very well together.
Rowley	I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at present.
Snake	Before I go, I beg pardon once for all, for whatever uneasiness I have been the humble instrument of causing to the parties present.
Sir Peter	Well, well, you have made atonement by a good deed at last.
Snake	But I must request of the company, that it shall never be known.
Sir Peter	Hey!⁠—what the plague!⁠—are you ashamed of having done a right thing once in your life?
Snake	Ah, sir, consider⁠—I live by the badness of my character;28 I have nothing but my infamy to depend on! and, if it were once known that I had been I betrayed into an honest action, I should lose every friend I have in the world.
Sir Oliver	Well, well⁠—we’ll not traduce you by saying anything in your praise, never fear.
	Exit Snake.
Sir Peter	There’s a precious rogue!
Lady Teazle	See, Sir Oliver, there needs no persuasion now to reconcile your nephew and Maria.
Sir Oliver	Ay, ay, that’s as it should be, and, egad, we’ll have the wedding tomorrow morning.
Charles Surface	Thank you, dear uncle.
Sir Peter	What, you rogue! don’t you ask the girl’s consent first?
Charles Surface	Oh, I have done that a long time⁠—a minute ago⁠—and she has looked yes.
Maria	For shame, Charles!⁠—I protest, Sir Peter, there has not been a word⁠—
Sir Oliver	Well, then, the fewer the better; may your love for each other never know abatement.
Sir Peter	And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and I intend to do!
Charles Surface	Rowley, my old friend, I am sure you congratulate me; and I suspect that I owe you much.
Sir Oliver	You do, indeed, Charles.
Rowley	If my efforts to serve you had not succeeded, you would have been in my debt for the attempt; but deserve to be happy and you overpay me.
Sir Peter	Ay, honest Rowley always said you would reform.
Charles Surface	Why, as to reforming, Sir Peter, I’ll make no promises, and that I take to be a proof I intend to set about it. But here shall be my monitor⁠—my gentle guide.⁠—⁠Ah! can I leave the virtuous path those eyes illumine? Though thou, dear maid, shouldst waive thy beauty’s sway, Thou still must rule, because I will obey: An humble fugitive from Folly view, No sanctuary near but Love and you: To the audience. You can, indeed, each anxious fear remove, For even Scandal dies, if you approve.