Act 5

Scene I

The library in Joseph Surface’s house.

	Enter Joseph Surface* and Servant.*
Joseph Surface	Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him? you must know he comes to ask something.
Servant	Sir, I should not have let him in, but that Mr. Rowley came to the door with him.
Joseph Surface	Pshaw! blockhead! to suppose that I should now be in a temper to receive visits from poor relations!⁠—Well, why don’t you show the fellow up?
Servant	I will, sir.⁠—⁠Why, sir, it was not my fault that Sir Peter discovered my lady⁠—
Joseph Surface	Go, fool!⁠—
	Exit Servant.
	Sure Fortune never played a man of my policy such a trick before! My character with Sir Peter, my hopes with Maria, destroyed in a moment! I’m in a rare humour to listen to other people’s distresses! I shan’t be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley.⁠—⁠So! here he comes, and Rowley with him. I must try to recover myself, and put a little charity into my face, however.
	Exit.
	Enter Sir Oliver Surface* and Rowley.*
Sir Oliver	What! does he avoid us? That was he, was it not?
Rowley	It was, sir. But I doubt you are come a little too abruptly. His nerves are so weak, that the sight of a poor relation may be too much for him. I should have gone first to break it to him.
Sir Oliver	Oh, plague of his nerves! Yet this is he whom Sir Peter extols as a man of the most benevolent way of thinking!
Rowley	As to his way of thinking, I cannot pretend to decide; for, to do him justice, he appears to have as much speculative benevolence as any private gentleman in the kingdom, though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the exercise of it.
Sir Oliver	Yet he has a string of charitable sentiments at his fingers’ ends.
Rowley	Or, rather, at his tongue’s end, Sir Oliver; for I believe there is no sentiment he has such faith in as that Charity begins at home.
Sir Oliver	And his, I presume, is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all.
Rowley	I doubt you’ll find it so;⁠—but he’s coming. I mustn’t seem to interrupt you; and you know, immediately as you leave him, I come in to announce your arrival in your real character.
Sir Oliver	True; and afterwards you’ll meet me at Sir Peter’s.
Rowley	Without losing a moment.
	Exit.
Sir Oliver	I don’t like the complaisance of his features.
	Reenter Joseph Surface.
Joseph Surface	Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons for keeping you a moment waiting⁠—Mr. Stanley, I presume.
Sir Oliver	At your service.
Joseph Surface	Sir, I beg you will do me the honour to sit down⁠—I entreat you, sir⁠—
Sir Oliver	Dear sir⁠—there’s no occasion. Aside. Too civil by half!
Joseph Surface	I have not the pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley; but I am extremely happy to see you look so well. You were nearly related to my mother, I think, Mr. Stanley.
Sir Oliver	I was, sir; so nearly that my present poverty, I fear, may do discredit to her wealthy children, else I should not have presumed to trouble you.
Joseph Surface	Dear sir, there needs no apology;⁠—he that is in distress, though a stranger, has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy. I am sure I wish I was one of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief.
Sir Oliver	If your uncle, Sir Oliver, were here, I should have a friend.
Joseph Surface	I wish he was, sir, with all my heart: you should not want an advocate with him, believe me, sir.
Sir Oliver	I should not need one⁠—my distresses would recommend me. But I imagined his bounty would enable you to become the agent of his charity.
Joseph Surface	My dear sir, you were strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is a worthy man, a very worthy man; but avarice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. I will tell you, my good sir, in confidence, what he has done for me has been a mere nothing; though people, I know, have thought otherwise, and, for my part, I never chose to contradict the report.
Sir Oliver	What! has he never transmitted you bullion⁠—rupees⁠—pagodas?24
Joseph Surface	Oh, dear sir, nothing of the kind! No, no; a few presents now and then⁠—china, shawls, congou tea, avadavats, and Indian crackers⁠—little more, believe me.
Sir Oliver	Here’s gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!⁠—Avadavats and Indian crackers! Aside.
Joseph Surface	Then, my dear sir, you have heard, I doubt not, of the extravagance of my brother: there are very few would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young man.
Sir Oliver	Not I, for one! Aside.
Joseph Surface	The sums I have lent him!⁠—Indeed I have been exceedingly to blame; it was an amiable weakness; however, I don’t pretend to defend it⁠—and now I feel it doubly culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates.
Sir Oliver	Aside. Dissembler!⁠—Aloud. Then, sir, you can’t assist me?
Joseph Surface	At present, it grieves me to say, I cannot; but, whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.
Sir Oliver	I am extremely sorry⁠—
Joseph Surface	Not more than I, believe me; to pity without the power to relieve, is still more painful than to ask and be denied.
Sir Oliver	Kind sir, your most obedient humble servant.
Joseph Surface	You leave me deeply affected, Mr. Stanley.⁠—⁠William, be ready to open the door. Calls to Servant.
Sir Oliver	Oh, dear sir, no ceremony.
Joseph Surface	Your very obedient.
Sir Oliver	Sir, your most obsequious.
Joseph Surface	You may depend upon hearing from me, whenever I can be of service.
Sir Oliver	Sweet sir, you are too good!
Joseph Surface	In the meantime I wish you health and spirits.
Sir Oliver	Your ever grateful and perpetual humble servant.
Joseph Surface	Sir, yours as sincerely.
Sir Oliver	Aside. Charles, you are my heir!
	Exit.
Joseph Surface	This is one bad effect of a good character; it invites application from the unfortunate, and there needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of benevolence without incurring the expense. The silver ore of pure charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man’s good qualities; whereas the sentimental French plate I use instead of it makes just as good a show, and pays no tax.
	Reenter Rowley.
Rowley	Mr. Surface, your servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you, though my business demands immediate attention, as this note will inform you.
Joseph Surface	Always happy to see Mr. Rowley⁠—a rascal.⁠—⁠Aside. Reads the letter. Sir Oliver Surface!⁠—My uncle arrived!
Rowley	He is, indeed: we have just parted⁠—quite well, after a speedy voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy nephew.
Joseph Surface	I am astonished!⁠—William! stop Mr. Stanley, if he’s not gone. Calls to Servant.
Rowley	Oh! he’s out of reach, I believe.
Joseph Surface	Why did you not let me know this when you came in together?
Rowley	I thought you had particular business. But I must be gone to inform your brother, and appoint him here to meet your uncle. He will be with you in a quarter of an hour.
Joseph Surface	So he says. Well, I am strangely overjoyed at his coming.⁠—⁠Aside. Never, to be sure, was anything so damned unlucky!
Rowley	You will be delighted to see how well he looks.
Joseph Surface	Ah! I’m rejoiced to hear it.⁠—⁠Aside. Just at this time!
Rowley	I’ll tell him how impatiently you expect him.
Joseph Surface	Do, do; pray give my best duty and affection. Indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him.
	Exit Rowley.
	Certainly his coming just at this time is the cruellest piece of ill-fortune.
	Exit.