Act 5

Scene II

A room in Sir Peter Teazle’s house.

	Enter Mrs. Candour* and Maid.*
Maid	Indeed, ma’am, my lady will see nobody at present.
Mrs. Candour	Did you tell her it was her friend, Mrs. Candour?
Maid	Yes, ma’am; but she begs you will excuse her.
Mrs. Candour	Do go again: I shall be glad to see her, if it be only for a moment, for I’m sure she must be in great distress.⁠—
	Exit Maid.
	Dear heart, how provoking! I’m not mistress of half the circumstances! We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers, with the names of the parties at length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen houses.
	Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite.
	Oh, dear Sir Benjamin! you have heard, I suppose⁠—
Sir Benjamin	Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface⁠—
Mrs. Candour	And Sir Peter’s discovery⁠—
Sir Benjamin	Oh, the strangest piece of business, to be sure!
Mrs. Candour	Well, I never was so surprised in my life. I am so sorry for all parties, indeed.
Sir Benjamin	Now, I don’t pity Sir Peter at all: he was so extravagantly partial to Mr. Surface.
Mrs. Candour	Mr. Surface! Why, ’twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected.
Sir Benjamin	No, no, I tell you: Mr. Surface is the gallant.
Mrs. Candour	No such thing! Charles is the man. ’Twas Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them.
Sir Benjamin	I tell you I had it from one⁠—
Mrs. Candour	And I have it from one⁠—
Sir Benjamin	Who had it from one, who had it⁠—
Mrs. Candour	From one immediately⁠—But here comes Lady Sneerwell; perhaps she knows the whole affair.
	Enter Lady Sneerwell.
Lady Sneerwell	So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here’s a sad affair of our friend Lady Teazle!
Mrs. Candour	Ay, my dear friend, who would have thought⁠—
Lady Sneerwell	Well, there is no trusting appearances; though, indeed, she was always too lively for me.
Mrs. Candour	To be sure, her manners were a little too free; but then she was so young!
Lady Sneerwell	And had, indeed, some good qualities.
Mrs. Candour	So she had, indeed. But have you heard the particulars?
Lady Sneerwell	No; but everybody says that Mr. Surface⁠—
Sir Benjamin	Ay, there; I told you Mr. Surface was the man.
Mrs. Candour	No, no: indeed the assignation was with Charles.
Lady Sneerwell	With Charles! You alarm me, Mrs. Candour!
Mrs. Candour	Yes, yes; he was the lover. Mr. Surface, to do him justice, was only the informer.
Sir Benjamin	Well, I’ll not dispute with you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which it may, I hope that Sir Peter’s wound, will not⁠—
Mrs. Candour	Sir Peter’s wound! Oh, mercy! I didn’t hear a word of their fighting.
Lady Sneerwell	Nor I, a syllable.
Sir Benjamin	No! what, no mention of the duel?
Mrs. Candour	Not a word.
Sir Benjamin	Oh, yes: they fought before they left the room.
Lady Sneerwell	Pray let us hear.
Mrs. Candour	Ay, do oblige us with the duel.
Sir Benjamin	Sir, says Sir Peter, immediately after the discovery, you are a most ungrateful fellow.
Mrs. Candour	Ay, to Charles⁠—
Sir Benjamin	No, no⁠—to Mr. Surface⁠—a most ungrateful fellow; and old as I am, sir, says he, I insist on immediate satisfaction.
Mrs. Candour	Ay, that must have been to Charles; for ’tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own house.
Sir Benjamin	Gad’s life, ma’am, not at all⁠—giving me immediate satisfaction.⁠—On this, ma’am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in such danger, ran out of the room in strong hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out for hartshorn and water; then, madam, they began to fight with swords⁠—
	Enter Crabtree.
Crabtree	With pistols, nephew⁠—pistols! I have it from undoubted authority.
Mrs. Candour	Oh, Mr. Crabtree, then it is all true!
Crabtree	Too true, indeed, madam, and Sir Peter is dangerously wounded⁠—
Sir Benjamin	By a thrust in segoon25 quite through his left side⁠—
Crabtree	By a bullet lodged in the thorax.
Mrs. Candour	Mercy on me! Poor Sir Peter!
Crabtree	Yes, madam; though Charles would have avoided the matter, if he could.
Mrs. Candour	I told you who it was; I knew Charles was the person.
Sir Benjamin	My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter.
Crabtree	But Sir Peter taxed him with the basest ingratitude⁠—
Sir Benjamin	That I told you, you know⁠—
Crabtree	Do, nephew, let me speak!⁠—and insisted on immediate⁠—
Sir Benjamin	Just as I said⁠—
Crabtree	Odds life, nephew, allow others to know something too! A pair of pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, it seems, had come home the night before late from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem26 with a friend, who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged.
Sir Benjamin	I heard nothing of this.
Crabtree	Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles’s shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter’s missed; but, what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakespeare that stood over the fireplace, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.27
Sir Benjamin	My uncle’s account is more circumstantial, I confess; but I believe mine is the true one, for all that.
Lady Sneerwell	Aside. I am more interested in this affair than they imagine, and must have better information.
	Exit Lady Sneerwell.
Sir Benjamin	Ah! Lady Sneerwell’s alarm is very easily accounted for.
Crabtree	Yes, yes, they certainly do say⁠—but that’s neither here nor there.
Mrs. Candour	But, pray, where is Sir Peter at present?
Crabtree	Oh, they brought him home, and he is now in the house, though the servants are ordered to deny him.
Mrs. Candour	I believe so, and Lady Teazle, I suppose, attending him.
Crabtree	Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter just before me.
Sir Benjamin	Hey! who comes here?
Crabtree	Oh, this is he: the physician, depend on’t.
Mrs. Candour	Oh, certainly! it must be the physician; and now we shall know.
	Enter Sir Oliver Surface.
Crabtree	Well, doctor, what hopes?
Mrs. Candour	Ay, doctor, how’s your patient?
Sir Benjamin	Now, doctor, isn’t it a wound with a small-sword?
Crabtree	A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred!
Sir Oliver	Doctor! a wound with a small-sword! and a bullet in the thorax!⁠—Oons! are you mad, good people?
Sir Benjamin	Perhaps, sir, you are not a doctor?
Sir Oliver	Truly, I am to thank you for my degree, if I am.
Crabtree	Only a friend of Sir Peter’s, then, I presume. But, sir, you must have heard of his accident?
Sir Oliver	Not a word!
Crabtree	Not of his being dangerously wounded?
Sir Oliver	The devil he is!
Sir Benjamin	Run through the body⁠—
Crabtree	Shot in the breast⁠—
Sir Benjamin	By one Mr. Surface⁠—
Crabtree	Ay, the younger.
Sir Oliver	Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts: however, you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.
Sir Benjamin	Oh, yes, we agree in that.
Crabtree	Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt of that.
Sir Oliver	Then, upon my word, for a person in that situation, he is the most imprudent man alive; for here he comes, walking as if nothing at all was the matter.
	Enter Sir Peter Teazle.
	Odds heart, Sir Peter! you are come in good time, I promise you; for we had just given you over!
Sir Benjamin	Aside to Crabtree. Egad, uncle, this is the most sudden recovery!
Sir Oliver	Why, man! what do you out of bed with a small-sword through your body, and a bullet lodged in your thorax?
Sir Peter	A small-sword and a bullet!
Sir Oliver	Ay; these gentlemen would have killed you without law or physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an accomplice.
Sir Peter	Why, what is all this?
Sir Benjamin	We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the story of the duel is not true, and are sincerely sorry for your other misfortune.
Sir Peter	So, so; all over the town already! Aside.
Crabtree	Though, Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at your years.
Sir Peter	Sir, what business is that of yours?
Mrs. Candour	Though, indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a husband, he’s very much to be pitied.
Sir Peter	Plague on your pity, ma’am! I desire none of it.
Sir Benjamin	However, Sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
Sir Peter	Sir, sir! I desire to be master in my own house.
Crabtree	’Tis no uncommon case, that’s one comfort.
Sir Peter	I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony⁠—I insist on your leaving my house directly!
Mrs. Candour	Well, well, we are going; and depend on’t, we’ll make the best report of it we can.
	Exit.
Sir Peter	Leave my house!
Crabtree	And tell how hardly you’ve been treated.
	Exit.
Sir Peter	Leave my house!
Sir Benjamin	And how patiently you bear it.
	Exit.
Sir Peter	Fiends! vipers! furies! Oh! that their own venom would choke them!
Sir Oliver	They are very provoking, indeed, Sir Peter.
	Enter Rowley.
Rowley	I heard high words: what has ruffled you, sir?
Sir Peter	Pshaw! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my vexations?
Rowley	Well, I’m not inquisitive.
Sir Oliver	Well, Sir Peter, I have seen both my nephews in the manner we proposed.
Sir Peter	A precious couple they are!
Rowley	Yes, and Sir Oliver is convinced that your judgment was right, Sir Peter.
Sir Oliver	Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after all.
Rowley	Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment.
Sir Oliver	And acts up to the sentiments he professes.
Rowley	It certainly is edification to hear him talk.
Sir Oliver	Oh, he’s a model for the young men of the age.⁠—⁠But how’s this, Sir Peter? you don’t join us in your friend Joseph’s praise, as I expected.
Sir Peter	Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better.
Rowley	What! do you say so, Sir Peter, who were never mistaken in your life?
Sir Peter	Pshaw! plague on you both! I see by your sneering you have heard the whole affair. I shall go mad among you!
Rowley	Then, to fret you no longer, Sir Peter, we are indeed acquainted with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface’s so humble, that she deigned to request me to be her advocate with you.
Sir Peter	And does Sir Oliver know all this?
Sir Oliver	Every circumstance.
Sir Peter	What of the closet and the screen, hey?
Sir Oliver	Yes, yes, and the little French milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter	’Twas very pleasant.
Sir Oliver	I never laughed more in my life, I assure you; ah! ah! ah!
Sir Peter	Oh, vastly diverting! ha! ha! ha!
Rowley	To be sure, Joseph with his sentiments! ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter	Yes, yes, his sentiments! ha! ha! ha! Hypocritical villain!
Sir Oliver	Ay, and that rogue Charles to pull Sir Peter out of the closet! ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter	Ha! ha! ’twas devilish entertaining, to be sure!
Sir Oliver	Ha! ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter, I should like to have seen your face when the screen was thrown down! ha! ha!
Sir Peter	Yes, yes, my face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! Oh, I must never show my head again!
Sir Oliver	But come, come, it isn’t fair to laugh at you neither, my old friend; though, upon my soul, I can’t help it.
Sir Peter	Oh, pray don’t restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all! I laugh at the whole affair myself. Yes, yes, I think being a standing jest for all one’s acquaintance a very happy situation. Oh, yes, and then of a morning to read the paragraphs about Mr.⁠⸺, Lady T⁠⸺, and Sir P⁠⸺, will be so entertaining!
Rowley	Without affectation, Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of fools. But I see Lady Teazle going towards the next room; I am sure you must desire a reconciliation as earnestly as she does.
Sir Oliver	Perhaps my being here prevents her coming to you. Well, I’ll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. Surface’s, where I am now returning, if not to reclaim a libertine, at least to expose hypocrisy.
Sir Peter	Ah, I’ll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though ’tis a vile unlucky place for discoveries.
Rowley	We’ll follow.
	Exit Sir Oliver Surface.
Sir Peter	She is not coming here, you see, Rowley.
Rowley	No, but she has left the door of that room open, you perceive. See, she is in tears.
Sir Peter	Certainly, a little mortification appears very becoming in a wife. Don’t you think it will do her good to let her pine a little?
Rowley	Oh, this is ungenerous in you!
Sir Peter	Well, I know not what to think. You remember the letter I found of hers evidently intended for Charles?
Rowley	A mere forgery, Sir Peter! laid in your way on purpose. This is one of the points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction of.
Sir Peter	I wish I were once satisfied of that. She looks this way. What a remarkably elegant turn of the head she has. Rowley, I’ll go to her.
Rowley	Certainly.
Sir Peter	Though, when it is known that we are reconciled, people will laugh at me ten times more.
Rowley	Let them laugh, and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it.
Sir Peter	I’ faith, so I will! and, if I’m not mistaken, we may yet be the happiest couple in the country.
Rowley	Nay, Sir Peter, he who once lays aside suspicion⁠—
Sir Peter	Hold, Master Rowley! If you have any regard for me, never let me hear you utter anything like a sentiment: I have had enough of them to serve me the rest of my life.
	Exeunt.