Act 4

Scene I

A picture room in Charles Surface’s house

	Enter Charles Surface, Sir Oliver Surface, Moses, and Careless.
Charles Surface	Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;⁠—here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
Sir Oliver	And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
Charles Surface	Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-painting; no volontière grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and not hurt the picture.⁠—⁠No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness⁠—all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
Sir Oliver	Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.
Charles Surface	I hope not.⁠—⁠Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family.⁠—⁠But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer;17 here’s an old gouty chair of my grandfather’s will answer the purpose.
Careless	Ay, ay, this will do.⁠—⁠But, Charles, I haven’t a hammer; and what’s an auctioneer without his hammer?
Charles Surface	Egad, that’s true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our genealogy in full. Taking pedigree down. Here, Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here’s the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.
Sir Oliver	What an unnatural rogue!⁠—an ex post facto parricide! Aside.
Careless	Yes, yes, here’s a list of your generation indeed;⁠—faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for ’t will not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin⁠—A-going, a-going, a-going!
Charles Surface	Bravo, Careless! Well, here’s my great-uncle, Sir Richard Raveline,18 a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough’s wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at him⁠—there’s a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be.⁠—⁠What do you bid?
Sir Oliver	Aside to Moses. Bid him speak.
Moses	Mr. Premium would have you speak.
Charles Surface	Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I’m sure that’s not dear for a staff-officer.
Sir Oliver	Aside. Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds!⁠—Aloud. Very well, sir, I take him at that.
Charles Surface	Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.⁠—⁠Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, thought to be in his best manner, and a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten⁠—the sheep are worth the money.
Sir Oliver	Aside. Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself!⁠—Aloud. Five pounds ten⁠—she’s mine.
Charles Surface	Knock down my aunt Deborah!⁠—Here, now, are two that were a sort of cousins of theirs.⁠—⁠You see, Moses, these pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
Sir Oliver	Yes, truly, headdresses appear to have been a little lower in those days.
Charles Surface	Well, take that couple for the same.
Moses	’Tis a good bargain.
Charles Surface	Careless!⁠—This, now, is a grandfather of my mother’s, a learned judge, well known on the western circuit.⁠—⁠What do you rate him at, Moses?
Moses	Four guineas.
Charles Surface	Four guineas! Gad’s life, you don’t bid me the price of his wig.⁠—⁠Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen.
Sir Oliver	By all means.
Careless	Gone!
Charles Surface	And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of parliament, and noted speakers; and, what’s very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or sold.
Sir Oliver	That is very extraordinary, indeed! I’ll take them at your own price, for the honour of parliament.
Careless	Well said, little Premium!⁠—I’ll knock them down at forty.
Charles Surface	Here’s a jolly fellow⁠—I don’t know what relation, but he was mayor of Manchester: take him at eight pounds.
Sir Oliver	No, no; six will do for the mayor.
Charles Surface	Come, make it guineas, and I’ll throw you the two aldermen there into the bargain.
Sir Oliver	They’re mine.
Charles Surface	Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen.⁠—⁠But, plague on’t! we shall be all day retailing in this manner: do let us deal wholesale; what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
Careless	Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
Sir Oliver	Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
Careless	What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?
Sir Oliver	Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don’t think him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
Charles Surface	What, that?⁠—Oh; that’s my uncle Oliver! ’twas done before he went to India.
Careless	Your uncle Oliver!⁠—Gad, then you’ll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on’t. Don’t you think so, little Premium?
Sir Oliver	Upon my soul, sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive.⁠—⁠But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
Charles Surface	No, hang it! I’ll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, I’ll keep his picture while I’ve a room to put it in.
Sir Oliver	Aside. The rogue’s my nephew after all!⁠—Aloud. But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.
Charles Surface	I’m sorry for ’t, for you certainly will not have it. Oons, haven’t you got enough of them?
Sir Oliver	Aside. I forgive him everything!⁠—Aloud. But, sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don’t value money. I’ll give you as much for that as for all the rest.
Charles Surface	Don’t tease me, master broker; I tell you I’ll not part with it, and there’s an end of it.
Sir Oliver	Aside. How like his father the dog is!⁠—Aloud. Well, well, I have done.⁠—⁠Aside. I did not perceive it before, but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance.⁠—⁠Aloud. Here is a draft for your sum.
Charles Surface	Why, ’tis for eight hundred pounds!
Sir Oliver	You will not let Sir Oliver go?
Charles Surface	Zounds! no! I tell you once more.
Sir Oliver	Then never mind the difference, we’ll balance that another time.⁠—⁠But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow, Charles⁠—I beg pardon, sir, for being so free.⁠—⁠Come, Moses.
Charles Surface	Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow!⁠—But hark’ee, Premium, you’ll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
Sir Oliver	Yes, yes, I’ll send for them in a day or two.
Charles Surface	But hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.
Sir Oliver	I will, I will⁠—for all but Oliver.
Charles Surface	Ay, all but the little nabob.
Sir Oliver	You’re fixed on that?
Charles Surface	Peremptorily.
Sir Oliver	Aside. A dear extravagant rogue!⁠—Aloud. Good day!⁠—Come, Moses.⁠—⁠Aside. Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!
	Exit with Moses.
Careless	Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!
Charles Surface	Egad, he’s the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow.⁠—⁠Ha! here’s Rowley.⁠—⁠Do, Careless, say I’ll join the company in a few moments.
Careless	I will⁠—but don’t let that old blockhead persuade you to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.
Charles Surface	Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.
Careless	Nothing else.
Charles Surface	Ay, ay, never fear. —
	Exit Careless.
	So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed.⁠—⁠Let me see, two-thirds of this is mine by right, five hundred and thirty odd pounds. ’Fore Heaven! I find one’s ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them for!⁠—Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful servant.⁠—Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.
	Enter Rowley.
	Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your old acquaintance.
Rowley	Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such spirits under so many distresses.
Charles Surface	Why, there’s the point! my distresses are so many, that I can’t afford to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more sorrowful at parting with so many near relations: to be sure, ’tis very affecting, but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?
Rowley	There’s no making you serious a moment.
Charles Surface	Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to old Stanley.
Rowley	A hundred pounds. Consider only⁠—
Charles Surface	Gad’s life, don’t talk about it! poor Stanley’s wants are pressing, and, if you don’t make haste, we shall have someone call that has a better right to the money.
Rowley	Ah! there’s the point! I never will cease dunning you with the old proverb⁠—
Charles Surface	Be just before you’re generous.19⁠—Why, so I would if I could; but Justice is an old, hobbling beldame, and I can’t get her to keep pace with Generosity, for the soul of me.
Rowley	Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour’s reflection⁠—
Charles Surface	Ay, ay, it’s very true; but, hark’ee, Rowley, while I have, by Heaven I’ll give: so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.
	Exeunt.