Act 2

Scene II

Before Gloucester’s castle.

	Enter Kent* and Oswald, severally.*
Oswald	Good dawning to thee, friend: art of this house?
Kent	Ay.
Oswald	Where may we set our horses?
Kent	I’ the mire.
Oswald	Prithee, if thou lovest me, tell me.
Kent	I love thee not.
Oswald	Why, then, I care not for thee.
Kent	If I had thee in Lipsbury pinfold, I would make thee care for me.
Oswald	Why dost thou use me thus? I know thee not.
Kent	Fellow, I know thee.
Oswald	What dost thou know me for?
Kent	A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.
Oswald	Why, what a monstrous fellow art thou, thus to rail on one that is neither known of thee nor knows thee!
Kent	What a brazen-faced varlet art thou, to deny thou knowest me! Is it two days ago since I tripped up thy heels, and beat thee before the king? Draw, you rogue: for, though it be night, yet the moon shines; I’ll make a sop o’ the moonshine of you: draw, you whoreson cullionly barber-monger, draw. Drawing his sword.
Oswald	Away! I have nothing to do with thee.
Kent	Draw, you rascal: you come with letters against the king; and take vanity the puppet’s part against the royalty of her father: draw, you rogue, or I’ll so carbonado your shanks: draw, you rascal; come your ways.
Oswald	Help, ho! murder! help!
Kent	Strike, you slave; stand, rogue, stand; you neat slave, strike. Beating him.
Oswald	Help, ho! murder! murder!
	Enter Edmund, with his rapier drawn, Cornwall, Regan, Gloucester, and Servants.
Edmund	How now! What’s the matter?
Kent	With you, goodman boy, an you please: come, I’ll flesh ye; come on, young master.
Gloucester	Weapons! arms! What’s the matter here?
Cornwall	Keep peace, upon your lives: He dies that strikes again. What is the matter?
Regan	The messengers from our sister and the king.
Cornwall	What is your difference? speak.
Oswald	I am scarce in breath, my lord.
Kent	No marvel, you have so bestirred your valour. You cowardly rascal, nature disclaims in thee: a tailor made thee.
Cornwall	Thou art a strange fellow: a tailor make a man?
Kent	Ay, a tailor, sir: a stone-cutter or painter could not have made him so ill, though he had been but two hours at the trade.
Cornwall	Speak yet, how grew your quarrel?
Oswald	This ancient ruffian, sir, whose life I have spared at suit of his gray beard⁠—
Kent	Thou whoreson zed! thou unnecessary letter! My lord, if you will give me leave, I will tread this unbolted villain into mortar, and daub the wall of a jakes with him. Spare my gray beard, you wagtail?
Cornwall	Peace, sirrah! You beastly knave, know you no reverence?
Kent	Yes, sir; but anger hath a privilege.
Cornwall	Why art thou angry?
Kent	That such a slave as this should wear a sword, Who wears no honesty. Such smiling rogues as these, Like rats, oft bite the holy cords a-twain Which are too intrinse t’ unloose; smooth every passion That in the natures of their lords rebel; Bring oil to fire, snow to their colder moods; Renege, affirm, and turn their halcyon beaks With every gale and vary of their masters, Knowing nought, like dogs, but following. A plague upon your epileptic visage! Smile you my speeches, as I were a fool? Goose, if I had you upon Sarum plain, I’ld drive ye cackling home to Camelot.
Cornwall	Why, art thou mad, old fellow?
Gloucester	How fell you out? say that.
Kent	No contraries hold more antipathy Than I and such a knave.
Cornwall	Why dost thou call him a knave? What’s his offence?
Kent	His countenance likes me not.
Cornwall	No more, perchance, does mine, nor his, nor hers.
Kent	Sir, ’tis my occupation to be plain: I have seen better faces in my time Than stands on any shoulder that I see Before me at this instant.
Cornwall	This is some fellow, Who, having been praised for bluntness, doth affect A saucy roughness, and constrains the garb Quite from his nature: he cannot flatter, he, An honest mind and plain, he must speak truth! An they will take it, so; if not, he’s plain. These kind of knaves I know, which in this plainness Harbour more craft and more corrupter ends Than twenty silly ducking observants That stretch their duties nicely.
Kent	Sir, in good sooth, in sincere verity, Under the allowance of your great aspect, Whose influence, like the wreath of radiant fire On flickering Phoebus’ front⁠—
Cornwall	What mean’st by this?
Kent	To go out of my dialect, which you discommend so much. I know, sir, I am no flatterer: he that beguiled you in a plain accent was a plain knave; which for my part I will not be, though I should win your displeasure to entreat me to ’t.
Cornwall	What was the offence you gave him?
Oswald	I never gave him any: It pleased the king his master very late To strike at me, upon his misconstruction; When he, conjunct and flattering his displeasure, Tripp’d me behind; being down, insulted, rail’d, And put upon him such a deal of man, That worthied him, got praises of the king For him attempting who was self-subdued; And, in the fleshment of this dread exploit, Drew on me here again.
Kent	None of these rogues and cowards But Ajax is their fool.
Cornwall	Fetch forth the stocks! You stubborn ancient knave, you reverend braggart, We’ll teach you⁠—
Kent	Sir, I am too old to learn: Call not your stocks for me: I serve the king; On whose employment I was sent to you: You shall do small respect, show too bold malice Against the grace and person of my master, Stocking his messenger.
Cornwall	Fetch forth the stocks! As I have life and honour, There shall he sit till noon.
Regan	Till noon! till night, my lord; and all night too.
Kent	Why, madam, if I were your father’s dog, You should not use me so.
Regan	Sir, being his knave, I will.
Cornwall	This is a fellow of the self-same colour Our sister speaks of. Come, bring away the stocks! Stocks brought out.
Gloucester	Let me beseech your grace not to do so: His fault is much, and the good king his master Will cheque him for ’t: your purposed low correction Is such as basest and contemned’st wretches For pilferings and most common trespasses Are punish’d with: the king must take it ill, That he’s so slightly valued in his messenger, Should have him thus restrain’d.
Cornwall	I’ll answer that.
Regan	My sister may receive it much more worse, To have her gentleman abused, assaulted, For following her affairs. Put in his legs. Kent is put in the stocks. Come, my good lord, away.
	Exeunt all but Gloucester* and Kent.*
Gloucester	I am sorry for thee, friend; ’tis the duke’s pleasure, Whose disposition, all the world well knows, Will not be rubb’d nor stopp’d: I’ll entreat for thee.
Kent	Pray, do not, sir: I have watched and travell’d hard; Some time I shall sleep out, the rest I’ll whistle. A good man’s fortune may grow out at heels: Give you good morrow!
Gloucester	The duke’s to blame in this; ’twill be ill taken. Exit.
Kent	Good king, that must approve the common saw, Thou out of heaven’s benediction comest To the warm sun! Approach, thou beacon to this under globe, That by thy comfortable beams I may Peruse this letter! Nothing almost sees miracles But misery: I know ’tis from Cordelia, Who hath most fortunately been inform’d Of my obscured course; and shall find time From this enormous state, seeking to give Losses their remedies. All weary and o’erwatch’d, Take vantage, heavy eyes, not to behold This shameful lodging. Fortune, good night: smile once more: turn thy wheel! Sleeps.